Embracing Change

I admit it. I am forever changed. I will never ever go back to who I was before. Before, when everything was "clear" and planned and easy. Life has been forever turned into the unknown, unclear and hard. I know God called us to this new life and every step of the way He has opened our hearts and opened doors for us to follow Him. There is a peace beyond all understanding, and it is amazing.

When families say they have been wrecked, it isn't always bad. I guess I mean to say, that although the path you take might be filled with grief, pain, shattered dreams and loss, the overall beauty that comes from ashes is God creating a new work in our lives. We may never see the purpose of suffering or grief, but trusting God to lead us to a new understanding of faith in Him is worth it.

Now that I am in a place where I can look back on the last year and 4 months, I can see the wreckage we have come through and are still in, but I see the beauty in the changes that have happened. Life is not easy, but God has not called us to a life of ease. He calls us to have faith in Him. It is easy to forget to rely on God when life is easy. When all you have is Jesus to lean into when life is in shambles, He is all I want. 

Adding a child of trauma to our family brought out deep trauma in my own life that I had not dealt with. I had a good tight hold on the lid that kept those emotions and feelings locked up. But when we were dealing day to day with hardship of adjusting as a family of five and helping Joy deal with her trauma and grief, it wore down my own hold on my emotions. I no longer had the strength to keep my trauma buried.

I am so thankful for a wonderful counselor who has been working with me and my husband since before the adoption. Dealing with my trauma was already in process before Joy came home. I knew that it was important to make sure my own issues didn't make me react in negative ways when dealing with her adjustment to a new life here with us. I won't go into detail, but I still have a long way to go in healing. My own path of healing has helped me to be more empathetic towards Joy and her grief and understanding that life isn't always fair. Everyone has times of trial and it is how you get thru them that determines your path in life. Will you sit down and give up? Or will you stand up and follow Jesus as he calls you to trust in Him? Sometimes we truly need to let go and let God carry us. For a long time it was all I could do to just get out of bed each morning. It can take days, weeks, or months to heal and feel whole again, but just focus on putting one food in front of the other. God will do the rest.

I am happy to say that comparing this March to last year at this time, our family is seeing more good days than bad. Joy has a very good English language base and being at school has really helped excel her acquisition of English. Her reading still needs lots of work, but speaking is much better. English is such a crazy messed up language and we have had many laughs over how absurd it can be! We try to explain a word and realize it is kinda stupid the way one word can have so many different meanings. Ugh, it will take years for Joy to really learn it all, but then, there are still some words and ideas I don't even understand. 

Along with the understanding of English, and the better understanding of how our family works, there is so much less fear and more trusting we see in Joy. She spends more time just hanging out with us in the family room/kitchen instead of hiding in her room unless we are specifically doing something with her. This is wonderful to see the change. We are soooo proud of her! She is getting As and Bs at school and has an amazing ability to memorize facts for social studies and for math. All in a second language! 

This Sunday  all three of our children will be baptized as believers. We are so thankful how God has captured Joy's heart! She reads her Bible and always has so many questions about God. She understands salvation and we are so overjoyed!  God has blessed us so richly and even though we have not had the easy road, we are seeing glimpses of the fruit of our willingness to follow His call to adopt. If we had not heeded the call, Joy may never have heard of God, or someone else would have reaped the blessing. 

We are so thankful for the continued prayers and support from family and friends. It can be so isolating as we may not have the same energy or willingness to be involved in all the activities and ministries we once worked in. Our ministry is at home for this season of life. We greatly miss those we have not seen for a long time. Don't forget about us! We can no longer be the ones to reach out. We need you to be the ones to invite, call, say hi, remember. We still love you all and care deeply for our friends and family. We are healing from wounds so deep, it is hard to explain. Unless you live it, it may never make sense. God is doing great things, He is always faithful! 

 James 1:2-4

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 

 

 

1 Year - not a Celebration

I recently read a blog post about how adoption and "gotcha days" are born out of great grief and trauma. These kids are leaving everything familiar. It may be a life that is full of hunger, fear, cold and pain, but that is familiar and what they have learned to survive. Taking a child from what they know and placing them in a new culture, environment, new language and new faces is down right terrifying! We need to keep this perspective when we look at our children who are born in our hearts. To have compassion and patience when our own expectations are not met. To have love and grace when we are exhausted and emotionally stretched.

November 20th marked the day we came home to America as a family of 5. But it also marked the day that Joy had to leave her home of 12 years. It is a day that began a new way of life for a frightened pre-teen in a strange country with people she did not know or trust or see as family.

I think back on the first 5 months with new eyes. I wish I could have known what I know now. I wish I could have seen more, done more. But I know that what I did know and what I did do, is a huge reason we are where we are today. I did not take the outbursts personally. It was her expression of grief. I did not fear that she didn't like us. She was mourning the loss of those she loves in China and we were complete strangers! I did not give in to her arguments and complaints because I knew once she understood that the rules were truly for her safety and that we love her, that she would be ok.

One year in America, but it is not a celebration. There is still a lot of adjustment to work through. She has learned so much in this last year. The most important things we want her to know are:

- God loves her and has a plan for her life
- We love her and want her to know it everyday
- We do not want her to ever forget her Chinese heritage, language or culture
- If one day she wants to live in China, we will support her and make sure she is well equipped to live an independent lifestyle.
- She is ALWAYS and will ALWAYS be part of our family.

As someone who has experienced so much change in her life, we know there will always be that missing part of her. The questions of identity will always be there. We don't know if we will ever know who her birth parents are. But she has loving foster parents who will always be a part of her life and Adoptive parents (us!) who love her as our own. And a brother and sister who say they feel she has always been here, she just doesn't know English.

I am thankful God called us to this new life as a family of 5. Though there have been hard days, they are fewer and far between. We know this road is long and there is a lifetime ahead of us where God is going to continue to work in us and on us! We continue to pray that He would guide us and keep us.

When we are weak, HE is Strong

Monday (tomorrow) marks 5 Months home with our new daughter. It is still hard to believe is has been so long, yet still so short to the whole journey yet to come. I am finally feeling the weight of exhausted fog lifting from my brain. While we are all still mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted, there are more days of renewed energy. I feel I am able to process things a little more now. If you asked me 2 months ago if I would be where I am now, I would be afraid to hope! Even though the last few weeks have been some of the hardest for me physically (headache/migraines for 2 weeks straight) I know that I am needing to take the time to regain my strength.

There are a few things that have helped greatly to get to where we are today.

- Prayer! We are so thankful for our prayer warriors! We truly feel your prayers and God is answering them daily! Don't stop! We are only on the beginning of the long journey to healing. There is so much yet to heal and only God can heal the unseen scars and fears.

- God's Word. We know that He can reach Joy's heart through his word. We are so thankful for the Chinese/English Bible that is available to her! 

- My Amazing husband. He has been a huge blessing and support through everything. It is so important that we are a team and make decisions together and support each other. <3 him so much!! 

- Self Care!!!! This is a big one and I so wish I had really understood it better at the beginning! It is so important to be sure to take the time to renew strength each day or week. I went 4 months without self care and depleted myself to very dangerous levels. My health is still recovering and it will take many months to regain my strength! I cannot be an effective mother to a child of trauma if I do not first take care to renew my emotions and physical well being along the way. 

 As we reach 5 months home, 5 1/2 months as a family of 5, I am thankful that there are many good things to be thankful for. School has been hard for Joy (middle school is hard for American kids too!), but her English is improving so much and we are seeing her more relaxed at home. She still greatly misses China and her Foster Family, but we know that she will always miss them and understand her grieving. We encourage her to write letters and she still contacts them online each week. 

We are so thankful for friends who are Christians and who speak Mandarin! We have had a friend come over a couple times to interpret conversations for us! It has been good to talk about things that are hard to explain and discuss on google translate. It is ok for small stuff, but it sometimes is frustrating when it doesn't cooperate and won't translate an idea correctly! It has been helpful to give a voice to Joy to talk about things she would normally not share. She is doing so much better and we are able to continue to be consistent in our love for her as she works through things. Everything is soooo different for her. She does not like rules, but she wants the rules (if that makes sense). She seems to be more comfortable even though she voices her discontent... (are pre teens required to meet a certain quota of complaining or something?) We told her that Jared and Jess also complain about the rules, but she sees that they are doing well, so it helps her to understand that we are not just task masters, but truly love and care for all of them. Parenting is so hard these days.... 

So as we continue on this journey called Life, we give praise to God for giving us the opportunity to make a difference. Not just for Joy, but for all of us. We are all changed and through the hardship of change, we are finding ourselves changed deeply. We have had to look to God for strength each day and are able to see His renewing grace as we grow together. God's word is a light to our path, a lamp to our feet. 

Psalms 119:33-40

³³ Teach me, Lord, the way of your decrees,
    that I may follow it to the end.
³⁴ Give me understanding, so that I may keep your law
    and obey it with all my heart.
³⁵ Direct me in the path of your commands,
    for there I find delight.
³⁶ Turn my heart toward your statutes
    and not toward selfish gain.
³⁷ Turn my eyes away from worthless things;
    preserve my life according to your word.
³⁸ Fulfill your promise to your servant,
    so that you may be feared.
³⁹ Take away the disgrace I dread,
    for your laws are good.
⁴⁰ How I long for your precepts!
    In your righteousness preserve my life.

Prayer and Faith

Life has a funny way of moving along. There are different perspectives and view points along the way. I feel like the last 19 weeks have gone by in a blur, but at the same time, have taken forever. Life outside our home has blazed past and we miss special dates, holidays, events and parties. Our family has pulled back into itself to create a space of consistency, normalcy and safety. Part of this reasoning for staying home is because we are all exhausted, and partly to provide "family" for our new daughter to depend on. 

In the past few months Joy has begun public school with a wonderful teacher and new ELL program. She has specialized classes for kids who do not have a lot of english. She is inundated with english language learning all day and tends to come home exhausted. We have begun to break through her resistance to being here as she sees we are who we say we are and we continue to be consistent. I have been able to figure out through conversations with her some of her fears and misconceptions she had with our family. She is finally beginning to settle more and lash out less. We do still have hard days and a lot of emotion, but it is just like with our older teens, they have bad days as well! 

Joel and I have been seeing an excellent attachment therapist whom we met with a few times before our adoption. She has been able to help us realize some trauma and hurt in our own lives and how they have shaped us as it resurfaces while caring for a child with trauma. As we mirror our daughter's hurts and fears, it makes us face our own fears. If we don't deal with them well, it will be impossible to help her feel and deal with her own issues. This world is so broken. We pray every day for healing. Only God can heal a broken heart and give us all the strength and courage we need every day. We are praying this for all our children that they would lean on God day to day and know that He is there for them. Our happiness does not depend on our circumstances, it depends on the love God has for us and what He has called us to do while we are here. 

As our whole family has changed and reshaped itself to take in this new family member, there is pain, there is hardship, there is loss. We have lost a bit of how our family used to be, she has lost everything familiar, yet she still has not realized how much she has gained. By joining our family, she has heard the gospel, read the Bible and knows of the God of the universe who has made her who she is. We pray that one day she will be able to share her savior with others. That makes everything about this journey worth every tear, penny, sleepless night, heartache, laughter, learning curve and trial. God has called us to "go and adopt this child" and we did. Now we lean on Him to help us through all the unknowns and joys on this journey. I am so glad we listened.

Adoption is Trauma

If there is one thing I have learned from this journey, adoption involves trauma. If I can recognize the trauma involved in adoption, I can start the healing process. Any child separated from their birth mother experiences a degree of trauma. Whether they realize it or not, it is there. Separation from care givers, foster parents, country and language. There are so many points along the journey to cause pain and sadness. If we can recognize the "tantrums" and "acting out" as a child's way of dealing with trauma, we are better equipped to deal with it and come along side them as they grieve. 

The last 13 weeks have been very hard. Adoption is not easy. No matter the age of the child, adoption is hard. We are learning so much. I am thankful that today is better than last week. Even though we are still living day by day and surviving, each day is getting better. We are still a long ways away from where I want to be as a family of 5, but thankfully we can see small glimpses of what it could be. 

So, day by day we build trust. Day by day we do our best to become a family of 5. Her heart is still firmly in China. One day we are praying that she will accept reality that she has a life here in America and her options, if she stayed in China, would not have been good. I pray one day she will realize this and see how much we love her. 

Joel and I are continuing to meet with an attachment therapist. I am so thankful that we had counseling before the adoption. Adoption brings up unresolved issues in our own lives as we try to meet the needs of a child who has trauma. Self care, rest, and the ability to keep our marriage strong as we wade through the waters of deep grief is so important. 

Next week, Joy begins public school. We hope that the daily business of school will help her adjust better. She is not used to so much free time every day and does not know what to do with herself. I also need to just be Mom. Trying to teach her at home and be her Mom is not working too well. We are praying that some time at school will advance her English more than what she can learn here at home and help us to bond more as mother and daughter.

Psalm 18: 16-36

²⁵ To the faithful you show yourself faithful,
    to the blameless you show yourself blameless,
²⁶ to the pure you show yourself pure,
    but to the devious you show yourself shrewd.
²⁷ You save the humble
    but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.
²⁸ You, Lord, keep my lamp burning;
    my God turns my darkness into light.
²⁹ With your help I can advance against a troop^[e];
    with my God I can scale a wall.

³⁰ As for God, his way is perfect:
    The Lord’s word is flawless;
    he shields all who take refuge in him.
³¹ For who is God besides the Lord?
    And who is the Rock except our God?
³² It is God who arms me with strength
    and keeps my way secure.
³³ He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
    he causes me to stand on the heights.
³⁴ He trains my hands for battle;
    my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
³⁵ You make your saving help my shield,
    and your right hand sustains me;
    your help has made me great.
³⁶ You provide a broad path for my feet,
    so that my ankles do not give way.

Time flies when living day to day

8.5 weeks home. Where has the time gone? We have begun our school day schedule and days just seem to fly by. I was reading through some of my posts from earlier last year. I am amazed at how God has moved in our lives and our hearts. I need to be reminded how God has been there through the unknowns and see how He has orchestrated impossibilities into possibilities. I need to see that because some days i ask why things have happened the way they have happened. 

We really do grow in the hard times. My faith keeps me grounded when all seems to be falling apart. Hatred, anger, grief, resentment are daily my reality. Not how I feel, but the words and actions of a little girl who has left everything she knows. Her new reality is nothing like she imagined. Normal family life is not what one sees in movies and tv. This is not hollywood. As reality sets in and our daily schedule absorbs one more into the family, she is resistant to the change and fights against it. Culture shock truly is real. 

It is not all bad, but each day is new and we are thankful for the good days and prayerful thru the bad days. We do the best we can to guide and love and remind that she is loved unconditionally.  Each day we read the Bible and pray. I am so thankful for the English/Mandarin Bible i found earlier last year. She has been underlining verses and taking notes. God can move more than any words of ours can do. I pray that she hears him through His word. 

We thank you for your continued prayers. We still have a long way to go and pray one day she will see us as her family and realize she has been loved from the beginning. 

A New Year to keep trusting.

A year ago, today, we were waiting to hear about our Pre Approval to adopt a beautiful 11 year old. Now a year later, I wonder at how quickly time has gone by. This time last year I was talking about how slow days were passing. Now we are home 6 weeks and each week I am amazed at how quickly time is passing! 

Honestly, there is nothing in a book, work sheet, training, counseling or friends that can prepare us for reality. It is helpful to have a general clue and research, but each individual story and situation is truly one that is unknown. Setting out with hopes and dreams for how we envision life with our new child really does a disservice to her. There are so many factors involved and unless we have walked in her shoes, we have no clue. Every adoption holds fear, sorrow, loss, brokenness, insecurity, change, stress, anger, fear... 

Prayer and an openness to learn as we go is the one approach that has helped our new family survive. I will admit, I was very upset that I did not have all the answers I wanted. Throughout the year of 2014, I searched and asked for as much information as I could. The answers I received were few and far between. The answers I wanted to hear turned out to be half-truths and misinformation. One thing I know now with my 20/20 hind sight is that God protected my heart. He continually said "Trust me, you do not need to know". I kept saying in Faith that there were so many unknowns that caused me to worry, but deep down, there has always been a steady unending peace about it. The torrent of emotions that ran through me at times were so powerful and frightening, but even in my most stressful moment, there was a current of deep peace that held me above all the turmoil. The peace that passes all understanding. It is hard to explain. I truly think there is no way to understand it unless you are in the place where you need it most.

Having so many unknowns and yet knowing we would still continue to move forward allowed me to keep an open mind. I did not dream about what our family would look like. I did not dream about how our daughter would feel being part of our family. I kept preparing to figure it out once we were home. Our two older children have been wonderful in their help in this remolding of our family. We understand there is grief and loss for our new daughter. We understand that she came from a loving foster family and was so sad to leave them. We understand she did not want to leave China. We do not always understand why God has put us all on this path, but we know day by day as we work through the fear, grief, language barrier, anger, sadness and adjustment that God is working in us and through us.

We have a long road ahead of us. We are starting out 2015 with uncertainty. Joel is currently looking for employment as he was laid off from his previous job just before Christmas. We have school, doctors’ appointments, language tutoring, and many other things pressing on us to accomplish. We know God has gotten us through this past year and has helped us meet every need. We know we can trust him in this time of drought. We don’t know why things like this happen, but we trust in Him who is the giver of life. We can be content in all things. Sometimes we need to learn this contentment through trial. We grow when things are difficult. We rely on God and praise him for how he has worked in our family through 2014.

As we move into this New Year, we pray for you. We pray that you will see God working in your life and see that He loves you and cares for you. Our faith is stronger for the trials we meet. I truly can say, if not for God, I would not have made it through this change to our family. I would have given up, I would have turned and run. It was too hard. It was impossible to face. But with God, He kept me going. He carried me. It is still hard, still impossible to do on my own, He is still carrying me, He still keeps me going. Thank you for your prayers and continued encouragement.