A year ago, today, we were waiting to hear about our Pre Approval to adopt a
beautiful 11 year old. Now a year later, I wonder at how quickly time has gone
by. This time last year I was talking about how slow days were passing. Now we
are home 6 weeks and each week I am amazed at how quickly time is passing!
Honestly, there is nothing in a book, work sheet, training, counseling or
friends that can prepare us for reality. It is helpful to have a general clue
and research, but each individual story and situation is truly one that is
unknown. Setting out with hopes and dreams for how we envision life with our
new child really does a disservice to her. There are so many factors
involved and unless we have walked in her shoes, we have no clue. Every
adoption holds fear, sorrow, loss, brokenness, insecurity, change, stress,
anger, fear...
Prayer and an openness to learn as we go is the one approach that has
helped our new family survive. I will admit, I was very upset that I did not
have all the answers I wanted. Throughout the year of 2014, I searched and
asked for as much information as I could. The answers I received were few and
far between. The answers I wanted to hear turned out to be half-truths and
misinformation. One thing I know now with my 20/20 hind sight is that God
protected my heart. He continually said "Trust me, you do not need to
know". I kept saying in Faith that there were so many unknowns that caused
me to worry, but deep down, there has always been a steady unending peace about
it. The torrent of emotions that ran through me at times were so powerful
and frightening, but even in my most stressful moment, there was a current of
deep peace that held me above all the turmoil. The peace that passes all
understanding. It is hard to explain. I truly think there is no way to understand it unless you are in
the place where you need it most.
Having so many unknowns and yet knowing we would still continue to move
forward allowed me to keep an open mind. I did not dream about what our family
would look like. I did not dream about how our daughter would feel being part
of our family. I kept preparing to figure it out once we were home. Our two
older children have been wonderful in their help in this remolding of our
family. We understand there is grief and loss for our new daughter. We
understand that she came from a loving foster family and was so sad to leave
them. We understand she did not want to leave China. We do not always
understand why God has put us all on this path, but we know day by day as we
work through the fear, grief, language barrier, anger, sadness and adjustment
that God is working in us and through us.
We have a long road ahead of us. We are starting out 2015 with uncertainty.
Joel is currently looking for employment as he was laid off from his previous
job just before Christmas. We have school, doctors’ appointments, language
tutoring, and many other things pressing on us to accomplish. We know God has
gotten us through this past year and has helped us meet every need. We know we
can trust him in this time of drought. We don’t know why things like this
happen, but we trust in Him who is the giver of life. We can be content in all
things. Sometimes we need to learn this contentment through trial. We grow when
things are difficult. We rely on God and praise him for how he has worked in our
family through 2014.
As we move into this New Year, we pray for you. We pray that you will see
God working in your life and see that He loves you and cares for you. Our faith
is stronger for the trials we meet. I truly can say, if not for God, I would
not have made it through this change to our family. I would have given up, I would have
turned and run. It was too hard. It was impossible to face. But with God, He
kept me going. He carried me. It is still hard, still impossible to do on my own, He is still carrying me, He still keeps me going. Thank you for your prayers and continued
encouragement.
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