When we are weak, HE is Strong

Monday (tomorrow) marks 5 Months home with our new daughter. It is still hard to believe is has been so long, yet still so short to the whole journey yet to come. I am finally feeling the weight of exhausted fog lifting from my brain. While we are all still mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted, there are more days of renewed energy. I feel I am able to process things a little more now. If you asked me 2 months ago if I would be where I am now, I would be afraid to hope! Even though the last few weeks have been some of the hardest for me physically (headache/migraines for 2 weeks straight) I know that I am needing to take the time to regain my strength.

There are a few things that have helped greatly to get to where we are today.

- Prayer! We are so thankful for our prayer warriors! We truly feel your prayers and God is answering them daily! Don't stop! We are only on the beginning of the long journey to healing. There is so much yet to heal and only God can heal the unseen scars and fears.

- God's Word. We know that He can reach Joy's heart through his word. We are so thankful for the Chinese/English Bible that is available to her! 

- My Amazing husband. He has been a huge blessing and support through everything. It is so important that we are a team and make decisions together and support each other. <3 him so much!! 

- Self Care!!!! This is a big one and I so wish I had really understood it better at the beginning! It is so important to be sure to take the time to renew strength each day or week. I went 4 months without self care and depleted myself to very dangerous levels. My health is still recovering and it will take many months to regain my strength! I cannot be an effective mother to a child of trauma if I do not first take care to renew my emotions and physical well being along the way. 

 As we reach 5 months home, 5 1/2 months as a family of 5, I am thankful that there are many good things to be thankful for. School has been hard for Joy (middle school is hard for American kids too!), but her English is improving so much and we are seeing her more relaxed at home. She still greatly misses China and her Foster Family, but we know that she will always miss them and understand her grieving. We encourage her to write letters and she still contacts them online each week. 

We are so thankful for friends who are Christians and who speak Mandarin! We have had a friend come over a couple times to interpret conversations for us! It has been good to talk about things that are hard to explain and discuss on google translate. It is ok for small stuff, but it sometimes is frustrating when it doesn't cooperate and won't translate an idea correctly! It has been helpful to give a voice to Joy to talk about things she would normally not share. She is doing so much better and we are able to continue to be consistent in our love for her as she works through things. Everything is soooo different for her. She does not like rules, but she wants the rules (if that makes sense). She seems to be more comfortable even though she voices her discontent... (are pre teens required to meet a certain quota of complaining or something?) We told her that Jared and Jess also complain about the rules, but she sees that they are doing well, so it helps her to understand that we are not just task masters, but truly love and care for all of them. Parenting is so hard these days.... 

So as we continue on this journey called Life, we give praise to God for giving us the opportunity to make a difference. Not just for Joy, but for all of us. We are all changed and through the hardship of change, we are finding ourselves changed deeply. We have had to look to God for strength each day and are able to see His renewing grace as we grow together. God's word is a light to our path, a lamp to our feet. 

Psalms 119:33-40

³³ Teach me, Lord, the way of your decrees,
    that I may follow it to the end.
³⁴ Give me understanding, so that I may keep your law
    and obey it with all my heart.
³⁵ Direct me in the path of your commands,
    for there I find delight.
³⁶ Turn my heart toward your statutes
    and not toward selfish gain.
³⁷ Turn my eyes away from worthless things;
    preserve my life according to your word.
³⁸ Fulfill your promise to your servant,
    so that you may be feared.
³⁹ Take away the disgrace I dread,
    for your laws are good.
⁴⁰ How I long for your precepts!
    In your righteousness preserve my life.

Prayer and Faith

Life has a funny way of moving along. There are different perspectives and view points along the way. I feel like the last 19 weeks have gone by in a blur, but at the same time, have taken forever. Life outside our home has blazed past and we miss special dates, holidays, events and parties. Our family has pulled back into itself to create a space of consistency, normalcy and safety. Part of this reasoning for staying home is because we are all exhausted, and partly to provide "family" for our new daughter to depend on. 

In the past few months Joy has begun public school with a wonderful teacher and new ELL program. She has specialized classes for kids who do not have a lot of english. She is inundated with english language learning all day and tends to come home exhausted. We have begun to break through her resistance to being here as she sees we are who we say we are and we continue to be consistent. I have been able to figure out through conversations with her some of her fears and misconceptions she had with our family. She is finally beginning to settle more and lash out less. We do still have hard days and a lot of emotion, but it is just like with our older teens, they have bad days as well! 

Joel and I have been seeing an excellent attachment therapist whom we met with a few times before our adoption. She has been able to help us realize some trauma and hurt in our own lives and how they have shaped us as it resurfaces while caring for a child with trauma. As we mirror our daughter's hurts and fears, it makes us face our own fears. If we don't deal with them well, it will be impossible to help her feel and deal with her own issues. This world is so broken. We pray every day for healing. Only God can heal a broken heart and give us all the strength and courage we need every day. We are praying this for all our children that they would lean on God day to day and know that He is there for them. Our happiness does not depend on our circumstances, it depends on the love God has for us and what He has called us to do while we are here. 

As our whole family has changed and reshaped itself to take in this new family member, there is pain, there is hardship, there is loss. We have lost a bit of how our family used to be, she has lost everything familiar, yet she still has not realized how much she has gained. By joining our family, she has heard the gospel, read the Bible and knows of the God of the universe who has made her who she is. We pray that one day she will be able to share her savior with others. That makes everything about this journey worth every tear, penny, sleepless night, heartache, laughter, learning curve and trial. God has called us to "go and adopt this child" and we did. Now we lean on Him to help us through all the unknowns and joys on this journey. I am so glad we listened.