Adoption is Trauma

If there is one thing I have learned from this journey, adoption involves trauma. If I can recognize the trauma involved in adoption, I can start the healing process. Any child separated from their birth mother experiences a degree of trauma. Whether they realize it or not, it is there. Separation from care givers, foster parents, country and language. There are so many points along the journey to cause pain and sadness. If we can recognize the "tantrums" and "acting out" as a child's way of dealing with trauma, we are better equipped to deal with it and come along side them as they grieve. 

The last 13 weeks have been very hard. Adoption is not easy. No matter the age of the child, adoption is hard. We are learning so much. I am thankful that today is better than last week. Even though we are still living day by day and surviving, each day is getting better. We are still a long ways away from where I want to be as a family of 5, but thankfully we can see small glimpses of what it could be. 

So, day by day we build trust. Day by day we do our best to become a family of 5. Her heart is still firmly in China. One day we are praying that she will accept reality that she has a life here in America and her options, if she stayed in China, would not have been good. I pray one day she will realize this and see how much we love her. 

Joel and I are continuing to meet with an attachment therapist. I am so thankful that we had counseling before the adoption. Adoption brings up unresolved issues in our own lives as we try to meet the needs of a child who has trauma. Self care, rest, and the ability to keep our marriage strong as we wade through the waters of deep grief is so important. 

Next week, Joy begins public school. We hope that the daily business of school will help her adjust better. She is not used to so much free time every day and does not know what to do with herself. I also need to just be Mom. Trying to teach her at home and be her Mom is not working too well. We are praying that some time at school will advance her English more than what she can learn here at home and help us to bond more as mother and daughter.

Psalm 18: 16-36

²⁵ To the faithful you show yourself faithful,
    to the blameless you show yourself blameless,
²⁶ to the pure you show yourself pure,
    but to the devious you show yourself shrewd.
²⁷ You save the humble
    but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.
²⁸ You, Lord, keep my lamp burning;
    my God turns my darkness into light.
²⁹ With your help I can advance against a troop^[e];
    with my God I can scale a wall.

³⁰ As for God, his way is perfect:
    The Lord’s word is flawless;
    he shields all who take refuge in him.
³¹ For who is God besides the Lord?
    And who is the Rock except our God?
³² It is God who arms me with strength
    and keeps my way secure.
³³ He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
    he causes me to stand on the heights.
³⁴ He trains my hands for battle;
    my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
³⁵ You make your saving help my shield,
    and your right hand sustains me;
    your help has made me great.
³⁶ You provide a broad path for my feet,
    so that my ankles do not give way.

Time flies when living day to day

8.5 weeks home. Where has the time gone? We have begun our school day schedule and days just seem to fly by. I was reading through some of my posts from earlier last year. I am amazed at how God has moved in our lives and our hearts. I need to be reminded how God has been there through the unknowns and see how He has orchestrated impossibilities into possibilities. I need to see that because some days i ask why things have happened the way they have happened. 

We really do grow in the hard times. My faith keeps me grounded when all seems to be falling apart. Hatred, anger, grief, resentment are daily my reality. Not how I feel, but the words and actions of a little girl who has left everything she knows. Her new reality is nothing like she imagined. Normal family life is not what one sees in movies and tv. This is not hollywood. As reality sets in and our daily schedule absorbs one more into the family, she is resistant to the change and fights against it. Culture shock truly is real. 

It is not all bad, but each day is new and we are thankful for the good days and prayerful thru the bad days. We do the best we can to guide and love and remind that she is loved unconditionally.  Each day we read the Bible and pray. I am so thankful for the English/Mandarin Bible i found earlier last year. She has been underlining verses and taking notes. God can move more than any words of ours can do. I pray that she hears him through His word. 

We thank you for your continued prayers. We still have a long way to go and pray one day she will see us as her family and realize she has been loved from the beginning. 

A New Year to keep trusting.

A year ago, today, we were waiting to hear about our Pre Approval to adopt a beautiful 11 year old. Now a year later, I wonder at how quickly time has gone by. This time last year I was talking about how slow days were passing. Now we are home 6 weeks and each week I am amazed at how quickly time is passing! 

Honestly, there is nothing in a book, work sheet, training, counseling or friends that can prepare us for reality. It is helpful to have a general clue and research, but each individual story and situation is truly one that is unknown. Setting out with hopes and dreams for how we envision life with our new child really does a disservice to her. There are so many factors involved and unless we have walked in her shoes, we have no clue. Every adoption holds fear, sorrow, loss, brokenness, insecurity, change, stress, anger, fear... 

Prayer and an openness to learn as we go is the one approach that has helped our new family survive. I will admit, I was very upset that I did not have all the answers I wanted. Throughout the year of 2014, I searched and asked for as much information as I could. The answers I received were few and far between. The answers I wanted to hear turned out to be half-truths and misinformation. One thing I know now with my 20/20 hind sight is that God protected my heart. He continually said "Trust me, you do not need to know". I kept saying in Faith that there were so many unknowns that caused me to worry, but deep down, there has always been a steady unending peace about it. The torrent of emotions that ran through me at times were so powerful and frightening, but even in my most stressful moment, there was a current of deep peace that held me above all the turmoil. The peace that passes all understanding. It is hard to explain. I truly think there is no way to understand it unless you are in the place where you need it most.

Having so many unknowns and yet knowing we would still continue to move forward allowed me to keep an open mind. I did not dream about what our family would look like. I did not dream about how our daughter would feel being part of our family. I kept preparing to figure it out once we were home. Our two older children have been wonderful in their help in this remolding of our family. We understand there is grief and loss for our new daughter. We understand that she came from a loving foster family and was so sad to leave them. We understand she did not want to leave China. We do not always understand why God has put us all on this path, but we know day by day as we work through the fear, grief, language barrier, anger, sadness and adjustment that God is working in us and through us.

We have a long road ahead of us. We are starting out 2015 with uncertainty. Joel is currently looking for employment as he was laid off from his previous job just before Christmas. We have school, doctors’ appointments, language tutoring, and many other things pressing on us to accomplish. We know God has gotten us through this past year and has helped us meet every need. We know we can trust him in this time of drought. We don’t know why things like this happen, but we trust in Him who is the giver of life. We can be content in all things. Sometimes we need to learn this contentment through trial. We grow when things are difficult. We rely on God and praise him for how he has worked in our family through 2014.

As we move into this New Year, we pray for you. We pray that you will see God working in your life and see that He loves you and cares for you. Our faith is stronger for the trials we meet. I truly can say, if not for God, I would not have made it through this change to our family. I would have given up, I would have turned and run. It was too hard. It was impossible to face. But with God, He kept me going. He carried me. It is still hard, still impossible to do on my own, He is still carrying me, He still keeps me going. Thank you for your prayers and continued encouragement.

Boredom is the enemy.

We are coming up on 5 weeks home. With all the holiday celebrations and lack of school until next year, boredom has revealed itself to be a dangerous enemy. We have spent a lot of time working on figuring out new things to do to teach new patterns of activity to fill our day. Many things we do are not interesting to our new daughter and somethings are difficult because of the language barrier. Thankfully we have gotten thru the Christmas celebrations without issue as Joy had never celebrated the holiday in China. She was happy with her gifts and thankful for the generosity from family. 

Grief is a deep, fluxuating constant that is always there and never lets one know when it will surface. Most times the worst time is at night when all is quiet, or during the day when there is "nothing to do". Grief cannot and should not be burried or ignored. We know the waves will arrive, just not when. We do the best we can to comfort, show grace and talk through the waves of grief, anger, questioning and rough patches. God is so good and even through the rough days He gives us strength, teamwork and grace to make it thru. 

Joy, jessica and Jared are adjusting as well as can be at this very early period. Sibling relationships and the dynamic of 3 instead of 2 is working itself out and forming new patterns of life in our home. I am so thankful for their hard work and grace as Joy adjusts to the family. Jessica was born to be a middle sister and is taking to the new role with grace, energy and a teasing big sister expertise. :) 

We thank you all for continued prayers for our family. For all the stress and change and grief and growing pains we have had over the past 7 weeks, we know it will be many more months and even years before our family heals and adjusts. Pray for wisdom as we seek guidance to parent well. Prayers for dr appointments and treatments. Prayers for Joy to realize just how much we love her and realize she can love us and accept us without feeling as though she is betraying the love and care she received from her foster family in China. 

Please also pray for Joel, as we learned shortly after returning from China that He was laid off from his job. We know God has a plan, yet this timing seems harsh for us! We know we can trust Him and pray that you will lift us up before the Father and that a new job opportunity will show itself! 

All in all we know we can praise Him through this storm. 

Day by day

Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
He, whose heart is kind beyond all measure,
Gives unto each day what He deems best,
Lovingly its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

https://www.hymnal.net/en/hymn/h/713

I love the old hymns. They have so much meaning and encouragement that is relevant to my every day. We have been home for 2.5 weeks. Each day is new and each day is survived. There is so much brokenness in adoption. Culture shock, loss of ALL that is familiar, language issues. Any time one is taken away from what they know and must live a new life, there is trauma. How one handles the trauma is as unique as each person who experiences it. 

We are taking each day at a time and figuring out how this new family of 5 is adjusting. We are coming up on christmas break, hopefully this will be a good thing and we have more time to spend as a family. Holidays are never easy for one who has gone thru trauma. We will see how Joy does and adjust accordingly.

Looking back at our last few weeks, i can see how emotional everything has been. Adoption is never easy. We are now on a road that is brand new for all of us. We love this little girl as if she has always been here. The problem is, she doesn't know it! I am praying that sooner rather than later she will see just how much she is loved by so many. I praying soon she will see how she is loved by the most important person in the universe. God! We pray every day for her to see him. That he will open her heart to this new knowledge of Him. 

Trust takes time. We know that she may not love us or even see us as family for a long, long time. We are willing to wait. It is hard when she doesnt understand that some things we don't allow are for her safety.  But we continue to lead and guide her thru this new life in our family. There are day to day glimses of what things may be like in years to come. We do our best to help her through her grief, and rejoice when she is enjoying our family. We pray the joy will outlast the hard times in weeks and months to come. 

If we haven't talked to you or called since we returned, know that each day we are surviving. We continue to ask for prayers as we go day by day. You can always call. If i don't answer it isn't because i don't like you, im just busy with something at the moment. Don't give up on us. This adjustment period can be very lonely. We want to get back to "normal" but the thing is, we are creating a new normal. We are emotionally overwhelmed and most days i feel so drained, i go to bed and weep. God is my strength and i know He has great plans for us. Growth hurts, is tiring, but the outcome is worth it. 

Thanksgiving Day!

I week home exactly. Wow. What a week of ups and downs! Taking things day by day and trusting and leaning hard on our Heavenly Father to guide us through this path of newness! God is so good and I know one day Joy will understand why we pray at meal time (currently she finds it quite funny). She will one day understand how much she is loved by her family she has only known of for the last 3 weeks. I look forward to that day, but I know I need to keep my focus on just one day at a time. One English lesson at a time. Soon we will see Joy blossom and bloom with confidence as she masters this new language! One week home.... many days ahead! Very thankful for God's leading and giving us faith to take one step at a time for HIS glory.

We were able to spend time with Joel's side of the family today. We are grateful that Joy did well meeting so many new people. We had an interpreter along with us for the first couple hours which helped break the ice a bit! Once the interpreter went home, Joy was happy to hang with the cousins and play UNO and learn a new game, Farkle!

We are so thankful for our family and friends who are continuing to lift us up in prayer! There have been some good days and not so good days and we are learning to love and trust as this family adjusts and grows in its new shape. I know God has a plan. We just need to follow one day at a time. Today has enough worries of its own, why add tomorrow to the mix?!

God is Good.

Finally Home!

The last two weeks have included a great change for the family and a trip to the other side of the world. After our instant messaging (QQ) sessions the week before we left, we were so excited to finally meet the girl we have prayed for all year. 
We headed out 4am Friday and before we even left our street, the battery in the van died. We were able to get the truck to jump the battery and were on our way about 20 minutes later than planned. Our friend Angela drove us to the airport and brought the van back to our house. So thankful for good friends who took care of replacing the battery for us!! Thanks Emil!! God is so good! 
We had a short flight to Chicago and a long layover (5hours) until our 15 hour flight to Hong Kong. We had a good flight and got in late to Hong Kong. We slept in the Airport Marriott and then took a van to Guangzhou the next morning. We got thru the border crossing into China in under an hour and without any issues. Our flight out of Guangzhou to Nanning was only an hour and we met our guide and were in our hotel by early Sunday afternoon. In a little over 23 hours we would meet our daughter! 
Our first meeting was full of smiles and shyness. We met Joy and were so happy for this day! It was unreal seeing her in person after so many months! We spent the evening with her hanging out in the hotel room playing frisbee and getting to know her. We went out for dinner at the nearby mall with our guide along with us. Joy doesn't speak any English so it was nice to have our guide there to help translate. 

We all got to bed around 10pm and had an early morning meeting to finalize paperwork. It really wasn't a lot of time to get to know Joy in only a few hours time, but we didn't realize a lot of this until later in the week. We signed all the paperwork and she signed her papers too and the adoption was finalized. As an older child (over 10 yrs old) she had the option to refuse to sign, but I don't think things were necessarily clear when all was said and done.

The next few days she grieved very hard as the realization of the change hit home. She was very sad and thought that she change her mind and go back to live with her foster family forever. It took the help of the orphanage workers, the foster family and our guide to help her to understand that China would not (could not, i believe, according to their laws) allow the foster family to be an option for long term living.

We are so thankful she had such a loving foster family for the past 10 years! We understand how much she was loved and cared for by her foster family and how leaving that for the unknown is understandably very scary! We went to visit her foster family after a rough morning of grief. We are so glad we did! Her foster family is amazing. We visited for about 4 hours and were overwhelmed with such love and welcoming. We are so thankful that Joy has had the opportunity to experience family life and bonding. The separation now is hard, but the benefits of learned skill and life is priceless. 

Once we left and had bags of clothes and food in tow, Joy was much better and had a better understanding of the new life she had opportunity to follow. She was still sad to leave her foster family, but in the week to follow she was able to contact them on video chat and it helped her transition a bit.

We flew to Guangzhou and met our guide there. We are so thankful for our guides who were able to give Joy a voice and translate for us! We still had a lot to discuss with her and boy does she like to negotiate! :) We were able to get through the medical visit and other required paper work with no issue. The rest of our time in Guangzhou was waiting for official documents to be processed. 
We were able to do some site seeing that week and visited Shamian Island. It was a beautiful week weather wise (sunny and mid 70s). We did a little souvenir shopping and lots of walking. 

The next day we visited the Safari. It was another beautiful day and the safari was amazing! There was a train ride through the park to see the larger animals and then a walking path through a maze of trails to see monkeys, birds, and other small animals. It was a fun day and nice to be out! 

Our last full day we spent hanging out in the hotel room and later in the evening taking the Pearl River cruise. It was neat to see the city at night with all the lights. I even had one local ask to get a picture with me. haha! 

We got all of our documents and official papers and headed to Hong Kong to catch our flight home on Thursday. The drive took about 3 hours and we are so thankful we were able to have a direct flight to the east coast!! A long day of travel and we made it home by midnight Thursday. When we arrived to the USA it was a cold 30 degrees! Thankfully we had our coats in the van and my parents brought extra scarf, gloves and hat for Joy! We bundled her up before heading outside and she was quite overcome with how cold it was. She was glad to get in the van and out of the cold weather. She grew up in southern China where their winter cold was only about 60 degrees. So, 30 degrees is so much colder for her. We hope she will acclimate quickly. While we were in China everyone was bundled in their coats and scarves at 70 degrees and we were in t-shirts and light jackets. :) 

The past two weeks were filled with ups and downs and we are just so thankful for the prayers of our family and friends! God is truly working and we pray one day that Joy will know just how much we love her just like her foster family loved her. Each day we are taking step by step and trusting in God's help to show her Christ and His love through us. 

Please continue to pray and the language barrier is still huge, but not impossible to over come. We will hopefully "officially" begin English lessons next week as God has provided a tutor who is also a Christian and speaks Mandarin as well! What a blessing! 

We hope to continue to update the blog as we go. The holidays hopefully will not be too overwhelming! But we are excited for her to meet our extended family and have opportunity as both sides of the family will be gathering over the holiday season!!